The staff room at the secondary school in Surulere had one working fan and a great deal of conversation. Eniola had taught English there for six years. She knew which colleagues brought the best food to share on Fridays, which ones could be relied on to cover a class and which ones always seemed to know things before anyone else did.
On a Tuesday afternoon in March, one of those colleagues leaned across the table and lowered her voice. The new chemistry teacher, a young woman who had joined in January, had been seen on Saturday night leaving a hotel in Ikeja with the vice principal. “In his car,” the colleague added. “At nearly midnight.”
Eniola said little in the staff room. But that evening, sitting in Lagos traffic on the way home, she typed a message to the prayer group of her church’s women’s fellowship. “Sisters, please pray for our school. There is a serious moral situation developing involving one of our senior staff and a new teacher. I won’t say more, but you can imagine. Please cover our students in prayer.” Within an hour, three of the women had replied asking which school, and one had forwarded the message to her own group of friends.
By Friday the story had reached two other churches and at least one parent of a student at the school. It had also grown. The new teacher was now said to have been “living” with the vice principal. Someone added that she had got the job through him.
The following Monday, the new chemistry teacher came into the staff room with red eyes and sat at the table across from Eniola. Mrs Udo, the oldest teacher on the staff and a woman Eniola had always quietly admired, was sitting beside her. The chemistry teacher spoke quietly. “Saturday was my cousin’s wedding reception at that hotel. The vice principal is my mother’s younger brother. He drove me home because it was late and my car had broken down. Did anyone think to ask me?”
Nobody answered. Eniola looked at her phone on the table and felt sick.
The person who is not in the room
There is one fact about gossip that should slow all of us down. The person being discussed is almost never present. They cannot correct the story. They cannot supply the missing detail. They cannot say, “That was my uncle.” They are judged in their absence, and by the time they discover what has been said, the story has already travelled further than they could ever follow it.
That simple fact is one of the reasons Scripture takes gossip so seriously. Our courts, at their best, insist that an accused person must be allowed to hear the charge and answer it. The law of Moses required more than one witness before anyone could be condemned (Deuteronomy 19:15). Gossip abolishes all of these protections. It convicts without a hearing, sentences without a defence and leaves the absent person to discover the verdict later from the cold faces around them.
Leviticus puts the command bluntly: “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people” (Leviticus 19:16). The picture is of someone walking from house to house, carrying stories as a trader carries goods. And notice how the verse continues: “neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour.” The two commands are placed side by side. Talebearing is treated as one way of standing against your neighbour’s life. Words that circulate about a person can damage their livelihood, their marriage, their standing in the community and their health.
Before we go further, let us define our terms. Gossip is the sharing of information about someone who is not present, for no good purpose, usually information that is private, negative or unverified. It may even be true. Slander goes further: it is saying something false or misleading about someone in order to damage their reputation. Gossip and slander often travel together, because unverified stories tend to grow as they pass from mouth to mouth. What begins as gossip frequently ends as slander.
Why gossip tastes so sweet
The book of Proverbs makes an observation that is uncomfortably honest about human nature:
The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.
The KJV renders it, “The words of a talebearer are as wounds.” Many modern translations render the Hebrew differently, as something like dainty morsels or delicious bites. The Hebrew word is rare and its exact meaning is debated, but both ideas fit the verse and illuminate each other. Gossip is tasty when we receive it, and it wounds as it goes down. The verse appears twice in Proverbs, word for word, which suggests the teachers of Israel thought it worth repeating.
“They go down into the innermost parts of the belly.” Gossip does not stay at the surface. Once you have heard a story about someone, it sinks into your memory and colours how you see them. Even if you later learn it was false, some part of the impression remains. The next time you see that person, something in you hesitates.
Why do we find it so sweet? Partly because it makes us feel included. Being told something secret signals that we are trusted, inside the circle. Partly because it makes us feel superior. Hearing about someone else’s failure, real or imagined, lets us feel quietly better about ourselves. Partly because it relieves boredom and gives us something to say. And partly, if we are honest, because there is an ugly pleasure in other people’s trouble that the gospel has to keep confronting in us.
Eniola had not intended to harm anyone. She told herself she was asking for prayer. But underneath the request was the satisfaction of having something to share, of being the one who knew. That satisfaction is the engine of gossip. It is often wrapped in spiritual language, and prayer requests are one of its favourite disguises.
We should also be honest about the role of the listener. Gossip needs an audience, and the audience is never entirely innocent. Proverbs says, “A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue” (Proverbs 17:4). The verse places the one who listens eagerly alongside the one who speaks. If nobody leaned across the table to hear, nobody would lean across the table to tell. Every time we say “Ehen? Then what happened?” we are paying the talebearer for his goods.
It is sobering to see where Paul places this sin. In his description of a humanity that has turned from God, he lists “whisperers” and “Backbiters” (Romans 1:29-30) in the same breath as murder, deceit and hatred of God. We tend to treat gossip as a small weakness, the kind of thing we confess with a smile. Scripture sets it among the sins that tear the fabric of human life apart.
A fire that needs wood
Proverbs also describes how gossip keeps a conflict alive:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.
“Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out.” A fire needs fuel. Without new wood it dies down by itself. In the same way, many conflicts would burn out quickly if nobody kept feeding them. The talebearer carries wood. He takes a small spark of disagreement and adds a story here, an interpretation there, a “did you hear what she said about you?” until the fire is roaring.
Think about how many church splits, family feuds and office wars have grown this way. Two people have a minor disagreement. Instead of speaking to each other, they each speak to their friends. Their friends speak to others. Each retelling adds a little. Within weeks, two groups of people who have never heard each other’s actual words are certain that the other side is wicked.
The proverb also contains a promise. “So where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.” You can be the person who refuses to carry wood. When a story comes to you, you can let it stop with you. That simple decision, repeated by enough people, can save marriages, friendships and congregations.
Another proverb says the same thing from a different angle: “he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends” (Proverbs 17:9). Repeating a matter is all it takes. No dramatic lie is needed. Simply carrying a story from one person to another, especially a story that has been told in confidence or that has not been checked, can separate people who were once close.
James adds his own picture: “Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!” (James 3:5). One message sent from a car in Lagos traffic had reached two churches and a parent within four days. In the age of WhatsApp and screenshots, the little fire spreads faster and further than James could have imagined. A forwarded message carries no tone of voice, no qualification and no chance to say, “Actually, I am not sure.” It is copied exactly, again and again, into groups whose members you have never met. A screenshot can outlive the friendship of the two people who first exchanged it. Before you press forward, it is worth remembering that you are handing a match to people whose hands you cannot see.
The kind of person who dwells with God
David asked a question that every believer should ask:
LORD , who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill? He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart. He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.
“LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?” David is asking what kind of person lives close to God. And notice how much of his answer concerns speech. The person who dwells with God “speaketh the truth in his heart.” He “backbiteth not with his tongue.” He does not take up “a reproach against his neighbour.”
Backbiteth is a vivid word. It suggests attacking someone from behind, where they cannot see you coming. That is exactly what gossip does. It is speech directed at a person’s back.
And the last phrase is especially searching: “nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.” The Hebrew can carry the sense of lifting up or carrying a reproach. The godly person not only refrains from starting damaging stories. He refuses to pick them up when others drop them in front of him. Eniola did not invent the story about the chemistry teacher. But she took it up, and she carried it further.
We need to hear this in the light of the gospel. Under the new covenant, we do not earn our place near God by our speech. Christ has brought us near by His blood. But the psalm still describes the kind of people God is forming us to be. Those who live in His presence become like Him. And the God who dwells with us does not backbite. He speaks the truth in love. He does not spread our failures around heaven. He covers them with the blood of His Son.
Speech that builds
Paul addresses this subject directly in his letter to the Ephesians, as part of describing the new life in Christ:
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth.” The word translated corrupt was used of rotten fruit or decaying fish. It describes something that has gone bad and spreads its rottenness to whatever it touches. Gossip is corrupt communication in exactly this sense. It spoils relationships, and it spoils the people who hear it.
But Paul does not stop at prohibition. He gives us a positive standard: “but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Edifying means building up, as one builds a house. The question Paul invites us to ask about every word is this: will it build up? Will it minister grace to those who hear it?
That gives us a practical test. Before you pass on a story about someone, ask three questions. Is it true, and do I actually know that it is true? Is it necessary for this person to hear it? Will it build up, either the person being discussed or the one listening? Gossip fails all three. Eniola did not know whether her story was true. Her prayer group did not need the details. And nobody was built up.
Then Paul says something that should give every believer pause: “And grieve not the holy Spirit of God.” Placed right here, between instructions about speech and instructions about bitterness, the command suggests that our words about one another can grieve the Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of unity, who joins believers together in one body. When we tear one another down with our words, we work against what He is doing. We grieve Him.
Paul’s list of things to put away includes “evil speaking,” a phrase that translates the Greek word blasphēmia. We usually use that word for speaking against God. Here it describes speaking against people. Slandering someone made in God’s image is a serious matter.
And the passage ends with the antidote: “be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Kindness and tenderness push out gossip. When your heart is tender toward someone, you do not want to spread their failures around. You want to cover them, pray for them and, if necessary, help them. And when you remember how much God has forgiven you, how many of your own failures He has covered, the appetite for other people’s failures begins to lose its hold.
PunchlineThe person being discussed is not in the room to answer. That single fact should slow our speech, and the love of Christ should stop it.
Who are you to judge?
James adds a dimension that cuts deeper still:
Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?
“Speak not evil one of another, brethren.” The Greek word James uses means to speak against or to defame. It covers both gossip and slander, any speech that tears another believer down.
James then makes a surprising argument. “He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law.” What does he mean? The law of God commands us to love our neighbour as ourselves. James has already called it “the royal law” (James 2:8). When we speak evil of a brother, we disobey that law, and in doing so we act as though it does not apply to us. We place ourselves above it. We become judges of the law instead of doers of it.
“There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?” This is the heart of the matter. Gossip is a way of sitting in judgement. When we pass on a story about someone, we are announcing a verdict on their character. But we have no authority to do that. Only God can see the heart. Only God knows the full story. Only God is the judge.
Think again of the staff room in Surulere. A group of people had judged a young woman they barely knew. They had found her guilty of immorality and of corruption in obtaining her job, all without hearing a word from her. They had taken a seat that belongs to God alone.
James’ question is not a call to moral indifference. There are times when wrongdoing must be confronted and judged, and Scripture provides ways to do that. But gossip is never one of them. Gossip is judgement without authority, without evidence and without the presence of the accused.
Reporting is different from gossip
At this point, someone may ask an important question. If I know that something wrong is happening, am I supposed to keep quiet? Is every conversation about another person’s wrongdoing gossip?
No. Scripture clearly distinguishes between gossip and responsible reporting. Look at how Paul opens his first letter to the Corinthians:
Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the house of Chloe, that there are contentions among you.
“For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the house of Chloe, that there are contentions among you.” Someone from Chloe’s household had brought Paul news of the divisions in the Corinthian church. Was that gossip? Notice several things.
They told someone with authority to help. Paul was the apostle who had founded the church and had responsibility for it. They did not spread the news around the city. They brought it to the person who could address it.
They were named. Paul identifies his source openly. Chloe’s people were willing to be known as the ones who had raised the concern. Gossip loves anonymity: “I heard that...” or “people are saying...”. Responsible reporting is willing to stand behind what it says.
NuggetThe purpose was restoration. Paul’s response was a letter aimed at healing the church, not at humiliating anyone.
That gives us a clear distinction. Responsible reporting brings a concern to someone who is able to help, for the purpose of addressing it. Gossip circulates a concern among people who cannot help, for the satisfaction of having something to share.
Jesus gives us the pattern for personal offences in Matthew 18: “go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). The first step is always to go to the person directly. Only if that fails do you involve others, and even then the circle is kept small and purposeful.
The same care applies to the way we speak about pastors and church leaders. Leaders are visible, and their decisions affect many people, so they attract a great deal of talk. Paul told Timothy that an accusation against an elder should only be received on the evidence of two or three witnesses (1 Timothy 5:19). That protects leaders from the casual rumour that could destroy a ministry in a week. It also means that genuine concerns about a leader should be raised properly, with the people who have responsibility for oversight, and with your name attached. Murmuring in the car park after service helps nobody, and it fixes nothing that is truly wrong.
There is one area where this needs to be said with particular clarity. If you know or suspect that a child or vulnerable adult is being abused, reporting it is not gossip. It is a duty. Do not try to handle it privately, and do not wait until you are certain. Report it to the appropriate authorities and to those with safeguarding responsibility in your church or organisation. Silence in such cases protects abusers and endangers victims. The same applies to crimes, fraud and serious danger to others. Bringing such matters to those who can act on them is an act of love.
Undoing the damage
What should you do if you realise you have gossiped or slandered someone? The honest answer is that the damage often cannot be fully undone. A story that has spread cannot be called back. But that does not mean nothing can be done.
Confess it to God. Gossip is sin, and it needs to be named as such. God’s forgiveness is complete, and the blood of Jesus cleanses this sin as surely as any other.
Go to the person you have spoken about, if it is wise and safe to do so. Tell them what you said, apologise without excuses and ask their forgiveness. This is humbling, but it is often deeply healing for both of you.
Correct the record wherever you can. Go back to the people you told. Tell them that what you said was wrong or unverified and that you regret saying it. If you posted something online or sent it in a group, send a correction in the same place.
And change the pattern. Ask God to make you the kind of person with whom stories stop. Find a few honest phrases for when gossip comes your way: “I don’t think we should be discussing her when she isn’t here.” “Have you spoken to him about this?” “I’d rather not hear that.” These short sentences can quietly put out fires.
PunchlineEniola did not say anything in the staff room that Monday. She could not. But that evening, Mrs Udo called her.
“I saw your face this morning,” the older woman said. “You sent it to someone, didn’t you?”
Eniola admitted it. Mrs Udo did not scold her. She simply said, “My dear, I have taught in this school for thirty-one years. Do you know how many stories have come across that staff room table? I have a rule. If I cannot say it to the person’s face, I do not say it about them. And if it is serious enough that someone needs to act, I take it to the principal, and I put my name to it. Everything else stops with me.”
The next morning, Eniola went to the chemistry teacher before the first bell. She told her exactly what she had done and apologised. She did not explain or justify it. Then she wrote a message to her fellowship prayer group, and to the woman who had forwarded it on. “Sisters, I owe you a correction. The situation I mentioned last week was completely false. A young woman was harmed by my words. Please delete my message and pray for me instead. I was wrong to send it.”
It was the most difficult message she had ever typed. Some of the damage could not be repaired. The parent who had heard the story never quite looked at the chemistry teacher the same way again. But the young woman forgave her, and over the following year the two of them became, of all things, friends.
The person being talked about is almost never in the room. Remember that the next time a story is offered to you across a table or through a screen. Ask whether it is true, whether it is necessary, and whether it will build up. Then let the fire go out with you.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- When have you been the subject of gossip or slander, and how did it affect you?
- Which of the motives for gossip described here do you recognise in yourself: inclusion, superiority, boredom or pleasure in others’ trouble?
- How do you usually respond when someone begins sharing a story about a person who is not present?
- Is there a story you have passed on that you now need to correct or apologise for?
- What is the difference, in your own situations, between responsible reporting and gossip?
This Week
For one week, apply Mrs Udo’s rule: if you would not say it to the person’s face, do not say it about them. Before you speak about anyone who is absent, or forward any message about another person, ask the three questions from Ephesians 4:29: Is it true? Is it necessary? Will it build up? Each evening, note any moment when you were tempted to carry a story and what you did instead. If you recall something you have already spread, take one step this week to correct it.
A Prayer
Lord, forgive me for the words I have spoken about others when they were not present to answer. Forgive me for the stories I have taken up and carried further, and for the times I have dressed gossip in the language of prayer. Set a watch over my mouth. Let my words minister grace to those who hear them. Give me a tender heart toward the people I am tempted to talk about, and the courage to go to them directly when something needs to be said. Make me a person with whom stories stop and fires go out. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.