The call came on a Tuesday morning while Osas was arranging bales of lace in her shop at Trade Fair. It was the landlord’s agent. He was polite but firm. The rent on the flat in Ikotun was four months overdue. The landlord had been patient because Uyi had promised, twice, that payment was coming. Now a quit notice was being prepared. Did Madam know anything about it?
Madam knew nothing about it. As far as Osas was concerned, the rent had been paid in January, as it was every year. Uyi had told her so. She remembered the evening clearly, because he had come home with suya to celebrate.
She closed the shop early and sat in the danfo all the way home without seeing anything through the window. When Uyi came in that evening she was waiting at the dining table. It took most of the night for the story to come out.
His company had cut salaries by a third in December and had paid nothing at all for two months since. At the same time his younger brother had gained admission to study medicine, and his father in Benin had been admitted to hospital with a stroke. As the first son, Uyi had paid the school fees and the hospital bills without a word to anyone. Then a friend from his old secondary school had introduced him to a “forex investment” that promised to double his money in ninety days. He had put in the last of his savings, hoping to recover everything before Osas noticed. The platform had disappeared in March.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked again and again.
He stared at the table. “Because I am the man of this house,” he said finally. “What kind of husband cannot pay his own rent?”
There was a second story, which came out a few weeks later in their pastor’s office. Osas had been saving through an ajo contribution with the women in her market line for six years. She also had a separate account that Uyi had never known about. Together they held a little over one million naira. When the pastor gently asked why she had never mentioned it, she began to cry. “My mother told me on my wedding day: never let a man know all your money. My father left her with five children and nothing. She said every woman must keep something hidden.”
Two people. Two secrets. Two fears that neither had ever spoken aloud. And a quit notice on the way.
The fears underneath the money
PunchlineMost money conflicts in marriage are not really about money. They are about what money means to each person, and what each person is afraid of.
For Uyi, money meant identity. He had grown up in a home and culture where a man’s worth was measured by his ability to provide. Failure to provide felt like failure as a man, as a husband, as a first son. So when the provision faltered, he hid it, because exposure felt like humiliation.
For Osas, money meant safety. She had watched her mother abandoned and struggling. Somewhere deep inside she had concluded that a woman who depends entirely on a man is a woman waiting to be left with nothing. So she kept a reserve he could not reach, because exposure felt like vulnerability.
Neither fear was foolish. Both were rooted in real experiences. But neither had ever been brought into the light, and so both quietly shaped decisions that damaged the marriage. Uyi’s fear made him secretive and reckless. Osas’s fear made her guarded and distant. Each was protecting himself or herself from the other, while telling the other that all was well.
Every couple carries something like this. One spouse grew up with debt collectors at the gate. Another grew up in plenty and has never had to think about a budget. One had a father who controlled every naira and made the mother beg for money for foodstuffs. Another had parents who never discussed money at all, so that a family crisis came as a complete surprise. These histories travel with us into marriage. Unless they are named, they will speak through our choices without our permission.
So one of the most important financial conversations a couple can have is not about numbers at all. It is the conversation in which each of you asks, “What does money mean to you? What are you afraid of? What did you see growing up?” Answer slowly. Listen without correcting. You may discover that the arguments you have been having about spending were really arguments between two frightened children who had never introduced themselves.
Most money conflicts in marriage are conversations between fears that have never been named. Name the fears, and the numbers become easier to discuss.
Counting the cost together
Jesus used a building illustration that speaks directly to household finances:
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it ? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it , all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
In context, Jesus is speaking about the cost of discipleship. He wants the crowds following Him to understand what it will mean to follow Him to the end. But the illustration only works because the principle is obvious. No sensible person starts a building without first sitting down to count the cost. Anyone who has watched an uncompleted building slowly fill with weeds in a Lagos suburb knows exactly what Jesus meant. “This man began to build, and was not able to finish.”
Notice the posture: “sitteth not down first.” Counting the cost takes time and deliberate attention. It cannot be done in a hurry, in the car on the way to church, or in the middle of an argument. It means sitting down with the real figures.
For a married couple, counting the cost together requires that both of you know the figures. What comes in each month, from every source? What goes out, and where? What obligations have been taken on, to family members, to the bank, to the cooperative society at work? What is owed, and to whom? What has been saved, and where is it kept?
Many couples have never put these facts on one page. One spouse knows one part of the picture and the other knows another part. Decisions are then made in partial darkness. A husband commits to building in his village without knowing that his wife has already pledged a large sum to her sister’s wedding. A wife agrees to a new school for the children without knowing that her husband’s salary has been cut. Neither is wicked. But shared decisions are impossible without shared knowledge.
That was the heart of Uyi and Osas’s crisis. Both were making major financial decisions alone, and each was making them on the basis of an incomplete picture of the household. The unfinished tower was their own home.
Diligence and haste
Proverbs gives a principle that every Nigerian household needs to hear:
The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.
“The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness.” The diligent person thinks ahead. He plans. He is patient. His thoughts are directed toward steady, faithful work and wise management over time. And Proverbs says that such thinking tends toward plenty.
“But of every one that is hasty only to want.” The hasty person wants results now. He is drawn to shortcuts, quick returns and schemes that promise much and require little. And Proverbs says that haste tends toward want.
We have seen this proverb fulfilled again and again. Many Nigerians remember the collapse of the MMM scheme at the end of 2016, when thousands of people lost money they had been promised would double. Since then there have been many others: online investment platforms, crypto schemes, “forex” opportunities, network marketing promises. Christians have not been immune. Some of the most painful pastoral conversations I have had have been with believers who lost their savings, and sometimes their marriages, through a scheme introduced by a friend or even a fellow church member.
Another proverb says, “Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathereth by labour shall increase” (Proverbs 13:11). Steady, honest increase is God’s normal pattern. Sudden, effortless wealth is usually a trap.
Haste also tends to happen in secret. Uyi did not tell Osas about the forex investment, partly because he knew she would ask questions he could not answer. That is a warning sign worth remembering. If you are about to make a financial decision you would prefer your spouse not to know about, stop. The secrecy itself is telling you something. A plan that cannot survive your spouse’s questions is very likely a plan you should not pursue.
Contentment and the love of money
Paul gives Timothy some of the most searching words in the New Testament about money:
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Just before these verses, Paul has been warning about false teachers who suppose “that gain is godliness” (1 Timothy 6:5), people who treat religion as a way to get rich. Paul turns that idea upside down. “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” The real profit is a life with God and a heart at rest.
“For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.” Every burial in Nigeria, however expensive the casket and however large the canopies, makes this point. We leave with nothing in our hands. That truth is meant to free us, not to frighten us. What we have is held for a while, as stewards.
Paul’s warning is not against money itself. It is against “the love of money” and the desire to be rich at all costs. “They that will be rich,” that is, those who are determined to become rich, “fall into temptation and a snare.” The love of money pierces people “through with many sorrows.” Few places show those sorrows more painfully than a marriage in which money has become an idol. Husbands and wives become competitors. Lies multiply. Children grow up watching their parents fight about money far more than they ever see them pray about it.
We need balance here. Scripture also teaches that God gives His people “power to get wealth” (Deuteronomy 8:18), and John prays for his friend Gaius, “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth” (3 John 1:2). It is right to pray boldly for provision, to work hard, to expect God’s blessing on diligent labour, and to believe that He delights to supply what His children need. God is not glorified by needless poverty. But prosperity must stay in its place. It is a blessing to be stewarded, not a god to be served. Contentment is what keeps it there.
For a married couple, contentment means learning to be thankful together for what God has given, even while you work and pray for more. It means refusing to measure your household against the neighbours, the in-laws or the couple whose holiday photographs fill your social media. It means you can say to each other, “We have food and clothing and a roof, and we have each other, and we will be content while we work for better.”
Secrecy and control both damage the partnership
Proverbs 31 describes a capable wife in remarkable terms:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Look at the rest of the chapter. This woman “considereth a field, and buyeth it” (Proverbs 31:16). She trades. She manages a household of workers. She makes and sells fine linen. She is generous to the poor. She is a serious economic agent, and her husband is glad of it, because he trusts her. Their partnership is strengthened, not threatened, by her competence.
That picture challenges two opposite errors. The first is secrecy. Where one or both spouses hide income, savings or debts, the partnership is weakened from within. Osas’s hidden account and Uyi’s hidden debts were two forms of the same problem. Neither could “safely trust” the other, because neither was being trusted with the truth.
The second error is control. Some husbands treat the household money as theirs alone. They refuse to tell their wives what they earn. They give out small amounts for foodstuffs and demand an account of every naira. They forbid their wives to work, or they take their wives’ salaries and decide alone how they will be spent. Some wives do something similar in other ways, using money to manipulate or punish.
This needs to be said plainly: financial control is a form of harm. When one spouse uses money to dominate, isolate or frighten the other, that is not headship. Where it forms part of a wider pattern of abuse, the person being harmed should seek help from a trusted pastor, a counsellor, and where necessary the authorities or a lawyer. No one is required to endure abuse in the name of submission.
How does this fit with the Bible’s teaching about the husband’s role? Christians hold different views on the details. Many believers, often called complementarian, understand Scripture to give the husband a particular responsibility of servant leadership in the home, including a responsibility to lead in provision. Others, often called egalitarian, read the same passages as describing a fully shared partnership in which decisions belong to both spouses equally. Both views are held by sincere believers. But on either view, the husband’s role is defined by Christ, who used His authority to serve and to give Himself. Servant headship is exercised within mutual submission, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). A husband who controls money to dominate his wife is not exercising biblical headship on any reading. He is abandoning it.
A related tension arises when the wife earns more than the husband, as is increasingly common in Nigerian cities. Some men feel this as a quiet humiliation, and some women are tempted to use it as leverage. Neither response honours the other. Provision in Scripture is a responsibility to be carried in love, not a contest to be won. A husband can lead humbly and serve faithfully whatever his payslip says. A wife can contribute generously without keeping score. When both bring what they have to the same table, the question of who brings more loses its sting.
NuggetResponsible provision should support the partnership, not replace it. Uyi’s sense that he had to carry everything alone, and could not admit failure, was itself a distortion of what headship means.
Two are better than one
Ecclesiastes describes the strength of partnership:
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone ? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
“If they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth.” Uyi fell alone. When his salary was cut, when his father fell ill, when the investment collapsed, he had no one to lift him up, because he had kept his wife outside the problem. If he had told her in December, they could have faced it together. Her savings might have paid the rent. Together they might have spoken to his siblings about sharing the hospital bills. She might even have asked the hard questions about the forex scheme that would have saved him from it.
Partnership is protection. “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him.” When financial pressure comes, and it will, a couple who face it together are far stronger than two individuals each fighting alone. And “a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” A husband and wife bound together with the Lord at the centre of their partnership have a strength that money troubles cannot easily destroy.
What does this mean in practice? Christians differ on whether couples should pool all their income into joint accounts or maintain some separate accounts. Both approaches can work well, and both can be abused. A joint account can be emptied by one spouse without the other’s knowledge. Separate accounts can become private kingdoms. The issue is not the structure of the accounts. It is honesty and shared knowledge. Whatever arrangement you choose, both spouses should know what exists, what comes in and goes out, and how major decisions are made.
It is entirely reasonable for each spouse to have some money for personal use without needing to explain every purchase. Freedom of that kind can be healthy. But that freedom should be agreed openly, not taken in secret.
Family obligations and generous giving
In Nigerian life, a marriage does not only manage its own household. It is part of a wider network of obligation. Parents grow old and need support. Younger siblings need school fees. Cousins need help with weddings, burials and hospital bills. Some call this “black tax,” and it can be very heavy.
Scripture honours care for family. Paul says that children and grandchildren should “learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents” (1 Timothy 5:4), and that “if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8). Caring for an aged father with a stroke, as Uyi was doing, is a godly thing.
But Scripture also says that marriage creates a new household. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). Leaving does not mean abandoning parents. It means that the primary unit of decision-making has changed. Obligations to the wider family should be decided together, not by one spouse in secret. A wife deserves to know that her husband is paying his brother’s fees. A husband deserves to know that his wife is supporting her mother. When both know, both can share the joy of giving and the burden of limits.
Generosity beyond the family also belongs in the conversation. Giving to God’s work, to the poor and to those in need is part of Christian life. Many believers see the tithe as a joyful starting point for grace-giving, a tenth returned to God in gratitude. Others understand New Testament giving as proportionate and free, without a fixed percentage. Both views are held by sincere Christians. Whatever your conviction, the spirit is the same: “Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). For a married couple, that purpose of heart is best reached together. Giving that one spouse resents is not cheerful giving.
A house built by wisdom
Proverbs gives the vision behind all of this:
Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established: And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
“Through wisdom is an house builded.” Wisdom is not a mysterious gift reserved for a few. It is the practical skill of living well under God, learnt by attention, humility and practice. Here are some practices that have helped many couples.
Meet regularly about money. Choose a day each month, perhaps the first Saturday, and sit down together with the real figures. Pray first. Review what came in and went out. Plan the month ahead. Keep it short and regular rather than long and rare. Couples who meet like this find that money becomes a shared project instead of a source of ambush.
Write things down. A simple notebook or spreadsheet listing income, fixed costs, debts and savings is often enough. When it is written, it can be seen by both.
PunchlineBuild a small reserve. Even a modest emergency fund, built slowly, can turn a crisis into an inconvenience. Decide together how it will be used.
Be very careful with debt. “The borrower is servant to the lender” (Proverbs 22:7). Borrowing is not always sinful, but debt reduces your freedom. Never take on a significant loan without your spouse’s full knowledge and agreement.
Plan for the future, including death. In Nigeria many widows have been left without house or support because no will was written and relatives claimed the property. Writing a will, keeping records where both spouses can find them, and making sure each knows the details of accounts, pensions and insurance are acts of love. They protect the one you leave behind.
Pray about money together. Bring your needs to God openly as a couple. “Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it” (Psalm 127:1). A couple who pray together about the rent, the school fees and the business learn to trust God together, and they find it much harder to keep secrets from each other.
Uyi and Osas did not lose the flat. With the pastor’s help they sat down together for the first time with every figure on one page. It was a painful evening. Then Osas did something that surprised them both. She took out her bank card and the ajo passbook and laid them on the table beside his. “This was my hiding place,” she said. “I don’t want to hide any more.”
They used part of her savings to pay the arrears. Uyi went to his siblings and asked them to share their father’s hospital costs, something his pride had never allowed him to do. He reported the forex platform to the police, with little hope of recovery, and wrote down what he had learnt from it in the front of an old engineering notebook.
That notebook became their money book. On the first Saturday of every month they sit at the dining table with it, a calculator and two cups of tea, and pray before they open it. Osas told me that the first few meetings felt like an examination. Now, she says, they feel like the safest hour of the month.
When his brother’s fees came due the following session, Uyi did not pay them alone. He brought it to the Saturday meeting. Together they decided how much they could give and how much the other siblings would contribute. Osas wrote the figure in the notebook herself.
“I used to think being the man of the house meant carrying it all and saying nothing,” Uyi said. “Now I know it means bringing it to the table.”
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- What did money mean in the home you grew up in? What fears or patterns from that home have travelled with you into your marriage?
- Do you and your spouse both know the full picture of your household’s income, obligations, debts and savings?
- Is there any financial decision you have made, or are considering, that you would prefer your spouse not to know about?
- How do the teachings on contentment and the love of money in 1 Timothy 6 challenge your current financial goals?
- What would it look like for your marriage to treat money as a shared project rather than a private domain?
This Week
Ask your spouse for an unhurried evening this week. Begin with prayer. Then take turns answering two questions without interruption: “What did I learn about money growing up?” and “What am I most afraid of when it comes to our finances?” Do not try to solve anything that evening. Simply listen. Before you finish, agree on a date in the next two weeks for your first monthly money meeting, and write it down.
A Prayer
Lord, You are my provider, and everything I have comes from Your hand. Forgive me for the ways I have hidden things from my husband or wife, or tried to control what You gave us to share. Bring our fears about money into the light, and heal what lies beneath them. Give us diligence instead of haste, contentment instead of envy, and honesty instead of secrecy. Teach us to count the cost together, to give cheerfully, to provide faithfully, and to trust You with what we cannot control. Build our house by Your wisdom. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.