Self-Control

It was 11:40 on a Wednesday night when Uzoma saw the message. He was standing in the kitchen of his flat in Gwarinpa with the fridge door open, eating cold jollof rice straight from the plastic bowl. It was his second helping. Before that there had been a packet of biscuits and most of a bottle of Coke. He had skipped lunch because a client had rejected the proposal his team had worked on for a month, and he had come home in a mood that made his wife, Ronke, glance at him once and decide to leave him alone.

The message was in the estate residents’ WhatsApp group, which had three hundred and twelve members. The chairman of the residents’ association had posted a list of flats that had “refused to pay the security levy despite repeated reminders.” Uzoma’s flat number was on it. Underneath, the chairman had added: “Some people like to wear suits and drive nice cars but cannot pay ordinary levy. We know them.”

Uzoma had paid. He had paid on the fourth of the month by bank transfer, and he had the receipt on his phone. The treasurer had simply failed to record it.

He put the bowl down on the counter and began to type. Within fifteen minutes he had written nearly six hundred words. He attached a screenshot of the transfer. He added a pointed remark about the chairman’s own unpaid levy from two years earlier, which everybody in the estate had whispered about. He included a line about “people who use their titles to cover their shame,” which he thought was rather good. He read it through twice, adding a few sharper words each time.

Ronke came into the kitchen for a glass of water and saw his face lit by the phone. She read over his shoulder for a moment. Then she said, quite gently, “Uzo, sleep on it.”

He did not want to sleep on it. He wanted to send it. His thumb was resting on the arrow. Every part of him wanted the satisfaction of pressing it, of watching three hundred people read his answer, of having the last word.

That kitchen held both of the battles this teaching is about. There was the appetite that wanted immediate satisfaction, standing at the fridge eating far more than he needed because he was hurt and tired. And there was the tongue, or in this case the thumb, that wanted to hit back and have the final say. Scripture calls the capacity to govern both of these self-control, and it names it as part of the fruit that the Holy Spirit produces in the people of God.

A city without walls

The book of Proverbs gives us a striking picture of what life looks like without self-control:

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

In the ancient world, walls were a city’s protection. They kept out raiders and wild animals. They allowed the people inside to sleep, trade, raise children and store their harvest in peace. A city with broken walls lay open to anyone who wanted to come in and take what they pleased.

Notice that no enemy appears in Solomon’s picture. The broken city is a man who “hath no rule over his own spirit.” The ruin comes from within. The person without self-control does not need an outside attacker to lose what God has given him. His own unchecked appetites and impulses do the damage. A marriage is broken by an affair that began with a look. A career is ended by an angry email. A family’s savings disappear through a gambling habit or a string of impulsive purchases. Health is wrecked by years of eating and drinking without restraint. In each case, the walls fell from the inside.

The same chapter of Proverbs that gives us this verse also contains a sober warning about appetite: “Hast thou found honey? eat so much as is sufficient for thee, lest thou be filled therewith, and vomit it” (Proverbs 25:16). Honey is good. The problem is the lack of limit.

Another proverb turns the picture around: “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). The world admires the conqueror who storms a city. God admires the person who can govern himself. Ruling your own spirit is a greater victory than capturing someone else’s walls.

Self-control, then, is a kind of wall-building. It protects the life God has given you, the relationships He has placed around you, and the calling He has entrusted to you. It allows you to live in peace instead of being constantly exposed to your own worst impulses.

What the Spirit produces

Paul’s most famous passage on the fruit of the Spirit begins with a conflict:

This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

“The flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh.” Every believer knows this tension. The new life of Christ within us wants to love, give, wait and speak kindly. The old patterns of the flesh want to grab, hit back and indulge. Paul does not pretend the struggle is absent. He names it honestly.

But he also gives the answer, and it comes first: “Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.” Notice the order. The believer is told first to walk in the Spirit, and as he does, the desires of the flesh lose their power to rule him.

And then: “if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.” A long list of rules has never produced self-control in anyone. The law could forbid coveting. It could never give a man a heart free of covetousness. The Spirit does what the law could not do.

A few verses later Paul describes what the Spirit produces:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

The last quality in the list is “temperance.” The Greek word is enkrateia, built on the root kratos, which means strength or power. It describes inner strength, a mastery over one’s own desires. The self-controlled person has the strength to govern his appetites instead of being governed by them.

Three things about this passage deserve attention.

First, it is fruit, singular. Paul does not speak of the “fruits” of the Spirit, as though we could pick the ones we like and leave the rest. Love, joy, peace, patience and the rest grow together as one harvest. Self-control and love belong together. Often self-control is love in action: the restraint that refuses to wound a spouse with words, the discipline that keeps money for the children’s school fees instead of spending it on impulse.

Second, it is fruit of the Spirit. An orange tree does not strain to produce oranges. Fruit grows out of the life of the tree. Self-control in the believer grows out of the life of the Spirit within. This is why Paul can say, “against such there is no law.” No law needs to be written against what the Spirit produces.

Third, Paul still calls for our participation. “They that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.” That is a statement about what is already true of every believer through union with Christ. Then comes the appeal: “If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.” We live by the Spirit. Now we are to keep in step with Him. Elsewhere Paul says, “if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live” (Romans 8:13). The Spirit gives the power. We cooperate with Him, choosing day by day to follow where He leads.

Punchline

Self-control is the Spirit’s fruit, growing from His life within you. You walk in it by keeping in step with Him, one ordinary choice at a time.

Grace that makes us sober-minded

When Paul tells Titus that the grace of God teaches us to live “soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world” (Titus 2:12), the word soberly is closely related to self-control. It translates sophronos, which describes a sound, balanced, well-governed mind. The sober person may be cheerful and talkative. What marks him is a clear head. His thinking is not swept away by every surge of appetite or anger.

Paul goes on to give one of the strongest reasons for this kind of life: we are “Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ” (Titus 2:13). Self-control is deeply connected to hope. People who have no hope for tomorrow tend to grab whatever they can today. If this moment is all there is, why wait for anything? But the believer is looking forward. He knows that the best is still ahead. That future gives him the freedom to say no to an immediate pleasure, because he is not afraid of missing out. He has something better coming.

The next verse explains what Christ came to do: He “gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity” (Titus 2:14). The word redeem means to buy back, to set free by payment. Christ did more than forgive our sins. He paid to set us free from their power. That means the believer who struggles with appetite or anger is not fighting from a position of slavery. He has been bought out of it. The chains have been paid for. Self-control is learning to live in the freedom that Christ purchased.

The appetite that cannot wait

The Bible’s clearest story of appetite overruling judgement is found early in Genesis:

And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint: And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom. And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright. And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me? And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Esau came in from the field exhausted and hungry, and he smelled the red lentil stew that his brother Jacob was cooking. Jacob saw his chance and asked for Esau’s birthright, the rights and blessings of the firstborn son. And Esau’s answer is the voice of every appetite that cannot wait: “Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?”

He was not at the point of death. He was hungry. But appetite always exaggerates. It tells us that we cannot wait, that we must have it now, that the long-term cost does not matter compared with the present need. Esau traded something of lasting value for a single bowl of stew. Genesis ends the story with a sad verdict: “thus Esau despised his birthright.” The writer to the Hebrews later describes him as a man “who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright” (Hebrews 12:16).

One morsel. That is what appetite trades for our birthright. A night of pleasure for a marriage. One extra drink for a clear mind. A moment of online browsing for a pure conscience. An impulse purchase for a month’s peace of mind. Uzoma’s second bowl of rice was not a disaster in itself. But it was a sign that his appetite was running his evening, and the same evening was about to hand his thumb over to his anger.

It is worth saying clearly that appetites are not evil. God made us with hunger, thirst, sexual desire, the need for rest and the enjoyment of good things. Jesus Himself ate and drank, attended weddings and was accused by His enemies of enjoying food too much. Self-control does not mean hating the body or treating every pleasure with suspicion. It means keeping appetites in their proper place, as servants and not masters. Paul put it like this: “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Proverbs gives a vivid picture of the discipline involved: “When thou sittest to eat with a ruler, consider diligently what is before thee: And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite” (Proverbs 23:1-2). It is an exaggerated image, meant to shock. In a situation where indulgence would be dangerous, take decisive action against your appetite before it takes action against you.

Jesus faced the temptation of appetite in the wilderness, after forty days of fasting. The devil suggested He turn stones into bread. Jesus answered, “It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4). Bread was not wrong. But Jesus would not let hunger set the terms of His obedience.

A guard-rail is needed here. Some struggles with appetite go far beyond ordinary temptation. Eating disorders, alcohol dependence, gambling addiction and compulsive sexual behaviour often have physical, emotional and psychological roots that need medical and professional help. Seeking that help is one of the ways God’s grace works, and no sign of weak faith. A believer who is caught in something deeper than he can manage should speak to a doctor, a qualified counsellor or a specialist programme, alongside the support of a church that will walk with him without condemnation.

The tongue that wants the last word

James writes about the second battleground with unusual vividness:

For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

He begins with honesty: “in many things we offend all.” Everyone struggles here. Then he says that if anyone could fully control his speech, he would be “a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” The tongue is the hardest part of us to govern. Whoever masters it has mastered much.

Then come three pictures. A small bit in a horse’s mouth turns the whole animal. A small rudder turns a great ship in a strong wind. A small spark sets a whole forest alight. The tongue is small, and its effects are enormous. One sentence can end a friendship. One rumour can destroy a reputation. One message in a WhatsApp group of three hundred and twelve people can set an entire estate on fire.

For many of us today, the tongue includes the thumb. We speak through screens as much as through mouths, and the same principles apply. In fact the danger is greater, because a spoken word in a heated moment fades, while a written message can be screenshot, forwarded and read for years.

The particular form of this struggle that Uzoma faced is the desire to have the last word. Proverbs speaks to it directly: “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards” (Proverbs 29:11). The fool says everything he is thinking, immediately. The wise man may say much of it eventually, but he waits. He lets the heat pass. He chooses his moment and his words.

James gives the same counsel: “let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20). Notice that last phrase. Our anger, even when we are right, rarely produces the righteousness God is after. Uzoma was right about the levy. His six-hundred-word reply would not have produced anything righteous. It would have produced a war.

Jesus is our model. Peter, who watched Him at His trial, wrote that “when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously” (1 Peter 2:23). Jesus did not need the last word, because He had entrusted the final word to His Father. That is the secret of a restrained tongue. When you trust God to judge rightly, you do not need to win every exchange.

Proverbs also reminds us of the power of gentle words: “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). And it gives a simple observation about how quarrels end: “Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out” (Proverbs 26:20). Sometimes the most self-controlled thing you can do is refuse to add another log.

The way of escape

Paul writes a promise to the Corinthians that has helped believers in every kind of struggle:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Three truths in this verse bring real comfort. First, your temptation is “common to man.” You are not uniquely weak or uniquely tested. Others have faced the same battle and found grace in it. Second, “God is faithful.” He knows your limits and will not allow the pressure to exceed what His grace can carry you through. Third, He “will with the temptation also make a way to escape.”

That way of escape is very often practical. It may be the wife who says, “Sleep on it.” It may be the decision to leave the room, close the app, put down the bowl or walk away from the conversation. God’s provision often arrives through ordinary means, and self-control includes recognising the exit door when He opens it.

This is where practical limits become important. Paul told the Romans to “make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof” (Romans 13:14). The word provision suggests planning ahead, arranging things in advance. If you know where you are weak, do not arrange your life to make falling easy. Here are some limits that many believers have found helpful.

Know your danger times. Many people find that their self-control is weakest when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Uzoma was at least three of them at once. When you recognise those conditions in yourself, treat them as a warning. Eat something. Rest. Call a friend. Delay important decisions and difficult messages until you are in a better state.

Set rules for the night. Very little good is ever written in an angry message after eleven o’clock. Make it a rule not to reply to provoking messages until the next morning. Charge your phone outside the bedroom.

Remove the bait. If certain foods, websites, apps or places consistently lead you into trouble, put distance between yourself and them. Do not keep the biscuits in the cupboard if you cannot stop at one.

Practise saying no to small things. Fasting, rightly understood, is one way of training the appetite. So is choosing to wait before buying something you want, or deliberately leaving a conversation without the final word. Each small no builds strength for the larger ones.

Nugget

And invite accountability. Tell someone you trust where you are struggling, and give them permission to ask you about it.

None of these limits replaces the work of the Spirit. They are the ways we cooperate with Him. A garden still needs a fence, even though it is the life in the seed that makes the plants grow.

Governing feelings without denying them

A final word of balance is needed, because self-control is sometimes misunderstood.

Self-control does not mean pretending you feel nothing. Anger, grief, hunger and desire are part of being human. Paul writes, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). There is anger that is right, especially anger at injustice. Self-control does not deny the feeling. It governs what the feeling does.

Self-control does not mean silence in the face of wrong. Uzoma was right to correct the error about his levy. The question was how. A short, factual message would have served the truth far better than a long, wounding one.

And self-control never means enduring abuse in silence. If someone is harming you, controlling you or threatening your safety, the Spirit’s fruit in you does not require you to swallow it quietly. Speak to someone you trust, seek safety and involve the appropriate authorities or qualified help. Restraint in speech is a virtue. Silence that protects an abuser is not.

When you fail, and you will, do not despair. Return to the Lord in confession and receive His forgiveness. Then, where your loss of control has hurt someone, go back and repair what you can. Apologise for the angry words. Make right what was damaged. The Spirit who produces self-control is also the Spirit who leads us back to the Father when we fall.

Uzoma did not send the message. He told me later that it took him almost five minutes to move his thumb away from the arrow. Then he saved the text as a draft, put the phone on the charger in the sitting room, and went to bed. He did not sleep well.

In the morning he read the draft again. “I was embarrassed,” he said. “It was clever, but it was cruel. I would have started a war in that estate, and my own children would have heard about it from the neighbours’ children.”

He deleted it. Instead he posted two lines in the group: “Good morning, everyone. I believe there has been a mix-up with my levy. I paid on the fourth and have sent the receipt to the treasurer privately.” Then he sent the treasurer the screenshot.

By lunchtime the treasurer had apologised in the group and corrected the list. Several neighbours sent Uzoma private messages thanking him for the calm way he had handled it. One of them added, “If it were me, I would have scattered that group.” Uzoma laughed when he told me that part. “I nearly did,” he said.

Punchline

The next day he ate lunch at his desk instead of skipping it. He told Ronke about it that evening as though it were a great achievement, and in a small way it was.

Self-control rarely looks dramatic. It usually looks like a bowl put down, a message left unsent, a decision to sleep on it. But in those small moments the Spirit of God is building walls around a life, and the city within can live in peace.

For reflection, practice and prayer

Teaching Companion

For Reflection

• In which area are you more often tested: the appetite that wants immediate satisfaction, or the tongue that wants the last word?
• What “one morsel” have you been tempted to trade your birthright for?
• How does knowing that self-control is the fruit of the Spirit, and not merely your own effort, change the way you approach your struggles?
• When are you most vulnerable: when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired? What practical limit could help you in those moments?
• Is there someone you need to go back to and repair a relationship damaged by words spoken without restraint?

This Week

Choose one practical limit from this teaching and keep it every day this week. It might be not replying to provoking messages after nine at night, charging your phone outside the bedroom, or removing one food or app that regularly leads you into trouble. Each time you keep the limit, pause briefly and thank the Holy Spirit for His help. Each time you fail, confess it simply, receive forgiveness and begin again without condemnation.

A Prayer

Holy Spirit, thank You that self-control is Your fruit and not my achievement. I confess that I have often let my appetites rule me and my tongue run ahead of my wisdom. I have wanted immediate satisfaction and the last word. Build walls around my life where they have been broken down. Teach me to walk in step with You, to make no provision for the flesh, and to recognise the way of escape when You provide it. Help me to trust the Father with the final word, as Jesus did. Make me sober-minded as I look for the blessed hope of His appearing. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.

Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.