Chizoba wore long sleeves to church, even in March, when the heat in Lagos sits on you like a wet blanket and the ceiling fans do nothing but push the warm air around. Nobody asked why. She sang in the choir, and her husband directed it. He was a deacon, a senior manager at a telecoms company, a man who prayed beautifully in public and was often asked to lead the thanksgiving at weddings. People said they were the kind of couple younger members should look up to.
At home it was different. Her salary went into an account he controlled. He gave her money for food each week and demanded receipts. He checked her phone every night and had installed an app that showed him where she was. If she came home late from the market, he wanted to know who she had spoken to. She had stopped visiting her sisters because the questions afterwards were not worth it. He mocked her cooking, her weight and her family, sometimes in front of the children. And when he was angry, he hit her where the bruises would not show.
The night before she finally spoke to someone, he had pinned her against the wall of their bedroom with his hand on her throat. She could not breathe. She saw her nine-year-old son in the doorway. Then her husband let go, walked out and slept soundly.
On Sunday afternoon, after service, she went to the pastor’s wife. She did not tell her everything. She said that things were bad at home, that her husband was sometimes violent, that she was frightened. The pastor’s wife listened kindly and then gave her advice she had probably given many times before. “Every marriage has its challenges, my sister. Maybe there is a communication problem. Are you submitting to him in everything? Men are under pressure. Try to understand him. Let us pray at midnight against the spirit of anger. And there is a couples’ communication seminar next month. You should both attend.”
Chizoba went home. She did not tell her husband what she had said. She knew what he would do if he found out.
I have changed her name and some details. But I have heard her story, in different forms, more often than I can count. And I have come to believe that one of the most urgent things a church can learn is how to recognise abuse for what it is, and how to respond to it as God does.
Calling harm by its name
PunchlineThe pastor’s wife made a mistake that is very common. She heard about violence and treated it as a communication problem. That mistake can cost lives.
A communication problem happens between two people of roughly equal power who both want to be understood but keep missing each other. Abuse is something else entirely. Abuse is a pattern of behaviour in which one person uses fear, force, control or humiliation to dominate the other. The problem is not that the couple cannot talk. The problem is that one of them is using power to harm.
Abuse takes several forms, and it helps to name them clearly:
- Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, kicking, using objects or weapons, or threatening to do any of these.
- Sexual abuse: forcing or pressuring a spouse into sexual acts they do not consent to. Marriage does not remove the need for consent.
- Emotional and verbal abuse: persistent mockery, insults, humiliation, threats, and making a spouse feel worthless or insane.
- Financial abuse: taking control of a spouse’s income, withholding money for basic needs, preventing them from working, or running up debts in their name.
- Coercive control: a pattern of monitoring, isolating, restricting movement, cutting a person off from friends and family, and making them afraid of what will happen if they do not comply.
Not every abusive marriage includes all of these. Some include no physical violence at all, and the damage is still severe. What they share is the pattern: one spouse lives in fear of the other, and the controlling spouse uses that fear to get their way.
Let me say this as clearly as I can. Abuse is sin. It is a grave violation of the marriage covenant and of the image of God in the person being harmed. It is not a misunderstanding, a weakness in the victim’s submission, or a spiritual attack to be dealt with only by prayer. It is wrongdoing, and the responsibility for it lies with the person who does it.
Abuse is most often committed by husbands against wives, but not always. Men can be abused by their wives, and their shame in speaking about it can be even greater. Everything in this article applies whichever spouse is being harmed.
What God says to those who judge
Psalm 82 opens with a dramatic scene. God stands in the assembly of the mighty and judges those who have been entrusted with justice. His charge against them is that they have favoured the wicked and neglected the weak. Then He tells them what they should have done:
Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
Look at the verbs. Defend. Do justice. Deliver. Rid them out of the hand of the wicked. These are active words. God does not ask those in authority merely to feel sympathy for the afflicted. He commands them to intervene, to protect, to pull the vulnerable out of the hands of those who are harming them.
That psalm speaks directly to pastors, elders, family heads and church leaders. When a frightened wife comes to you, you are in the position of the judges in Psalm 82. You can “accept the persons of the wicked” (Psalm 82:2), siding with the man who has status, a title, a good salary and a strong voice. Or you can defend the afflicted. Neutrality is not available. To send a woman home to a man who has choked her is to leave her in the hand of the wicked.
The Old Testament says the same thing in many places. The prophets repeatedly condemned leaders who failed to protect widows, orphans and strangers. Isaiah called God’s people to “relieve the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:17). The Lord’s concern for the vulnerable is written all through Scripture, and the church is called to share it.
NuggetAbuse is harm, and the person causing it bears the responsibility. Leaving to be safe is not sin, and no faithful church will send a victim back into danger.
The husband Scripture actually describes
Abusive husbands in Christian homes often quote Ephesians 5:22 or Colossians 3:18, the instructions to wives to submit. They almost never quote the verses addressed to them. Here is what Paul tells husbands in Ephesians:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.
The standard is breathtaking. A husband is to love his wife “even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Christ’s love for His church led Him to the cross. He did not demand that she die for Him. He died for her. Everything He did was aimed at her good, to sanctify her, cleanse her and present her glorious.
Then Paul says that a husband should love his wife as his own body. “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it.” A man who nourishes his wife feeds and strengthens her. A man who cherishes her keeps her warm and safe. Choking, slapping, mocking, monitoring and starving her of money are the exact opposite of what this verse describes. A husband who does those things is not exercising headship. He is attacking his own flesh.
Paul’s letter to the Colossians puts the same instruction even more briefly:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
The phrase “be not bitter against them” uses a Greek word that means to make sharp, harsh or embittered. Paul anticipated that husbands, with the greater social power of that culture, would be tempted to use it harshly. He forbade it. A Christian husband may not treat his wife with harshness.
Peter adds that husbands are to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife” and he gives a sober reason: “that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). The way a man treats his wife affects his standing in prayer. A man who abuses his wife and then leads the congregation in prayer is in a dangerous place before God.
Whatever view a Christian holds about headship and submission, and believers hold more than one, no reading of these passages allows a husband to frighten, control or harm his wife. Submission in Scripture is always freely given, and it is never owed to violence.
When the betrayer sits beside you in church
One of the hardest things for many victims is that their abuser is admired. He is the deacon, the choir director, the generous giver, the man whose prayers move the congregation. Who will believe her?
David knew what it was to be betrayed by someone close, someone he had worshipped beside. In Psalm 55, he writes of a companion who turned against him:
He hath put forth his hands against such as be at peace with him: he hath broken his covenant. The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.
“He hath broken his covenant.” The betrayer in this psalm was someone at peace with David, someone in covenant with him. And he attacked. “The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart.”
Many abusers are exactly like this. In public they are charming, articulate and devout. In private they are cruel. They often present themselves to pastors as reasonable men with difficult wives, and they can be very convincing. A church leader who does not understand this will be manipulated.
Malachi saw the same thing when he described the man who “covereth violence with his garment” (Malachi 2:16). The garment is the public appearance, the respectable clothing, the religious reputation. Underneath it is violence. God is not deceived by the garment, and His people should not be either.
Leaving for safety is not sin
Many Christian women in abusive marriages believe that leaving would be a betrayal of God. They have been taught that marriage is permanent, that a wife must submit, and that suffering is part of the Christian life. All of these truths have been twisted to keep them in danger.
People outside often ask, “If it was so bad, why did she not leave sooner?” The question is understandable, but it usually misses how abuse works. Abuse rarely runs at full force every day. It tends to move in a cycle: tension builds, there is an outburst of cruelty or violence, and then comes a season of apology, gifts, tears and promises. During that calmer season the victim sees again the man she married, and she hopes. Then the tension begins to build once more. Over the years the cycle wears down her confidence and her sense of what is normal.
There are practical reasons too. Many victims have no money of their own because the abuser has controlled it. Some have been cut off from family and friends. Some fear losing their children, or have been told they will. Some have been threatened with worse violence if they ever go, and those threats are often real. And many have been told by people they trust, including pastors and relatives, that a good Christian wife endures. A woman who stays is not foolish or weak. She is usually doing the hardest calculation of her life with very little help. The church’s task is not to judge her timing. It is to make leaving possible when she is ready, and to stand with her when she does.
Scripture honours people who flee from violence. David himself, the Lord’s anointed, fled from Saul again and again. On one occasion, the person who helped him escape was his own wife:
Saul also sent messengers unto David’s house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning: and Michal David’s wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain. So Michal let David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
Michal saw the danger and acted. She did not tell David to stay and trust God to change Saul’s heart. She did not say that fleeing would be a lack of faith. She let him down through a window, and he escaped. Scripture records it without a hint of criticism.
The same pattern runs through the Bible. “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself” (Proverbs 22:3). When Paul’s life was threatened in Damascus, the disciples lowered him over the wall in a basket (Acts 9:25). Jesus Himself withdrew from those who sought to kill Him before His hour had come (John 8:59). Fleeing danger is wisdom, and it is consistent with faith.
So let me say it without any qualification. If you are being abused, leaving to protect yourself and your children is not sin. It does not break your covenant with God. The covenant was broken by the one who turned the home into a place of fear. You are allowed to be safe.
Leaving for safety is also different from deciding the long-term future of the marriage. You do not have to settle every question about divorce and remarriage before you get out of danger. Sincere Christians hold different views on those questions, and you can work through them later with wise counsel. But on this point every faithful view agrees: abuse is never a covenant obligation, and no reading of Scripture requires you to remain where you are being harmed.
Churches must not send victims back
The story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13 is one of the darkest in Scripture. Amnon, a king’s son, raped his half-sister Tamar and then threw her out. What happened next is painfully familiar:
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying. And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.
Tamar did what victims are rarely allowed to do. She cried out publicly. She tore her garment and put ashes on her head. And her own brother, a man who could have protected her, told her to be quiet. “Hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing.” The result was that Tamar “remained desolate.” Her father David was angry, but he did nothing.
That is what happens when the people around a victim prioritise family reputation over justice. He is your brother. He is your husband. He is a deacon. Do not disgrace the family. Do not shame the church. So the victim is silenced, and the abuser continues.
Proverbs warns us against exactly this:
If thou forbear to deliver them that are drawn unto death, and those that are ready to be slain; If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not; doth not he that pondereth the heart consider it ? and he that keepeth thy soul, doth not he know it ? and shall not he render to every man according to his works?
“If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not.” That excuse will not stand before God. He ponders the heart. He knows what we knew and what we chose to ignore. Church leaders who send a victim back to her abuser, knowing what she has told them, will answer for it.
Here is what churches and leaders must do:
- Believe and listen. Most people who disclose abuse are telling the truth, and many are minimising what has happened, not exaggerating.
- Put safety first. Before anything else, help the person think about whether they are safe tonight.
- Do not offer joint counselling or mediation. Couples counselling assumes equal power and can put a victim in serious danger, because the abuser may punish her afterwards for what she said. Abuse requires a different response.
- Never send a victim home to danger or tell her to submit more, pray more or be more understanding.
- Report crimes. Violence and sexual assault are crimes, and the authorities have a role to play.
- Hold the abuser accountable. Confront him with care and firmness, remove him from leadership and ministry, and require genuine repentance proven over time.
- Support the victim practically. Help with temporary accommodation, transport, money for food, care for the children and connection to professional help.
Practical steps toward safety
PunchlineIf you are in an abusive marriage, here are some practical steps. You know your situation best, so adapt them to what is safe for you.
Make a safety plan. Think through what you would do if you needed to leave quickly. Where would you go? Who would you call? Keep copies of important documents, some money, a phone charger and medication somewhere safe or with a trusted person. Plan a route out of the house. Teach older children how to get help. Experts who work with abuse know that the time around leaving can be especially dangerous, so plan carefully and, if possible, with professional help.
Tell trusted people. Choose one or two people you trust completely, a family member, a friend, a colleague or a pastor who understands abuse, and tell them what is happening. Agree on a code word that means you need help urgently.
Contact the police in an emergency. Nigeria’s national emergency number is 112. Many police divisions now have officers trained to handle domestic and sexual violence.
Get medical care. If you have been injured, see a doctor, even if the injury seems minor. Choking or strangling is particularly serious; experts treat it as one of the strongest warning signs of future lethal violence, and it can cause internal damage that is not visible at first. Ask the doctor to record your injuries, because that record may be important later. In many states, sexual assault referral centres offer medical care, counselling and support for survivors of sexual violence.
Reach out to response services. Lagos State has a dedicated agency for domestic and sexual violence, and a number of other states have similar response teams, gender desks or social welfare services. They can help with safety, shelter, counselling and legal processes.
Seek legal help. Under the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act and state laws on domestic violence, courts in Nigeria can grant protection orders that restrict an abuser’s contact with you. Organisations such as the International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA) in Nigeria and the Legal Aid Council of Nigeria can offer legal advice and support.
Keep a record. If it is safe to do so, keep a private record of incidents: dates, what happened, injuries and any witnesses. Store it where your spouse cannot find it, perhaps with a trusted person.
Care for your children. Children who witness abuse are harmed by it, even if they are never hit themselves. Protecting them is part of your responsibility, and seeking safety for them is an act of love.
Accountability and hope
What about the person who abuses? Scripture holds out hope for every sinner, and that includes abusers. The gospel can change anyone. But hope is not the same as cheap restoration.
Genuine repentance in an abuser looks like full acknowledgement of what he has done without blaming the victim. It looks like accepting the consequences, including legal ones and the loss of access to the person he harmed. It looks like long-term work with specialists who understand abusive behaviour, because general counselling and anger management are often not enough. And it looks like sustained change over a long period, with no pressure on the victim to reconcile on his timetable. A man who says “I have repented, so she must come back” has shown that he has not yet repented.
Restoration of the marriage is never the victim’s responsibility. If it happens, it can only happen when she is safe, when the change is real and proven, and when she freely chooses it. In many cases it will not happen, and that is not her failure.
For the person who has been harmed, there is hope too. God sees you. He has heard your cry, as He heard Hagar in the wilderness and Tamar in her brother’s house. He is not ashamed of you, and He does not want you to stay in danger. Healing takes time, and it often needs the help of counsellors, doctors and a safe community. But the God who “will cause thine ear to hear” the humble and judges “the fatherless and the oppressed” (Psalm 10:17-18) is on your side.
Six months after that conversation with the pastor’s wife, Chizoba called a friend from work at two o’clock in the morning. Her husband had come home drunk and threatened her with a kitchen knife. She was locked in the bathroom with her two children.
Her friend called the police and then drove across the city. By the time she arrived, two officers were at the gate. Chizoba and the children left that night with three bags of clothes. They stayed with the friend for a week and then with a cousin in Yaba.
With help from a domestic violence service, she obtained a protection order. A doctor documented her injuries, old and new. A FIDA lawyer helped her understand her options. She began seeing a counsellor who specialised in abuse.
And she found a new church, where the pastor listened to her whole story without interrupting. When she finished, he said, “I am so sorry. What happened to you was wrong, and it was not your fault. You did right to leave. We will help you however we can.”
She told me later that it was the first time anyone in a church had said those words to her.
A year after she left, I saw her singing again, in a choir at her new church. She was wearing short sleeves. Her son was in the front row. And her face had something I had not seen in it before: the look of a woman who was no longer afraid.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- Before reading this, would you have recognised the difference between a communication problem and abuse? What helps you see the difference?
- How does Psalm 82 challenge the way churches and families respond when someone discloses abuse?
- Why do you think abusive spouses so often quote the instructions to wives but not the instructions to husbands?
- Have you ever heard someone told to stay in a dangerous situation in the name of submission or covenant? How would you respond now?
- What practical steps could your church take to become a safer place for those suffering abuse?
This Week
This week, find out the local response services for domestic and sexual violence in your state, including the relevant phone numbers, the nearest sexual assault referral centre and any legal aid services. Write them down and keep them somewhere you can find them quickly. If you are a church leader, start a conversation with your leadership about how your church will respond when someone discloses abuse. If you are in an unsafe marriage, use this week to tell one trusted person what is happening and to begin a safety plan.
A Prayer
Father, You are the defender of the afflicted and the deliverer of the needy. Thank You that You see every hidden wound and hear every silent cry. Forgive Your church for the times we have sent the wounded back into danger and protected the powerful. Give us courage to defend the oppressed and wisdom to recognise harm when it is in front of us. Protect every husband and wife who is being abused tonight, and lead them to safety. Bring the people who cause harm to genuine repentance and accountability. Heal those who have been hurt, and let them know that they are not to blame. Make our homes and churches places of safety and truth. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.