The Wednesday fellowship met in a bungalow off Ikwerre Road in Port Harcourt. On a good evening there were fourteen of them squeezed into the sitting room, plastic chairs borrowed from the church filling the gaps between the sofas. The hosts were a quiet engineer and his wife who served zobo and puff-puff and kept the generator fuelled when the power went off. People came straight from work, from the market, from the hospital.
Ebiye was the oldest member. She was a retired nursing sister, sixty-one, who had come to faith decades earlier in a holiness church in Bayelsa. She still lived by the convictions she had learned there. She wore no jewellery. She never wore trousers. She did no buying or selling on Sundays and would not touch alcohol, not even the small glass of wine some families served at weddings. Everyone in the fellowship knew her as the first person to arrive at the hospital when someone was admitted.
Asmau was twenty-seven. She had come to Christ during her final year at university in Zaria and paid dearly for it. Her family had not spoken to her in four years. She had moved to Port Harcourt for a job with an oil services company, and the Wednesday fellowship had quietly become her family. She came in jeans and small gold earrings, because that was what she wore to work.
One evening the study was in 1 Peter 3, the passage about the adorning of women. Ebiye spoke with great feeling about modesty, which was fine. Then, without looking at anyone in particular, she said that it grieved the Holy Spirit when women came into God’s presence “dressed like the world, in trousers and gold.” The room went very quiet. Asmau looked at the floor. When the meeting ended, she left before the closing prayer.
She did not come back the following Wednesday, or the one after that.
Every church in the world has some version of that Wednesday evening. The issue might be dress, or alcohol, or music, or which days to fast, or whether drums belong in worship. The people involved are usually sincere. Ebiye loved God and had held her convictions for forty years. Asmau loved God and had lost her family to follow Him. Neither was trying to divide anyone. And yet one sentence nearly cost a young believer her church.
How do we handle real differences without tearing the body apart? An appeal for everyone simply to agree will not do. People do not agree, and on many matters Scripture does not require them to. We need something deeper.
Unity is something God has made
Paul’s letter to the Ephesians spends three chapters describing what God has done in Christ: choosing, redeeming, raising, seating, and above all reconciling Jew and Gentile into one new people. Only then does he turn to how believers should live. And the first thing he addresses is unity:
I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
Look at the verb in verse 3. “Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit.” Paul does not ask us to create unity. The Spirit has already created it. Every believer has been placed into one body by one Spirit, called in one hope, under one Lord. Our task is to keep what God has made, to guard it, to treat it as precious.
Then notice the seven “ones.” One body. One Spirit. One hope. One Lord. One faith. One baptism. One God and Father of all. This is the centre of Christian unity, and it is a Person before it is a programme. We are one because we belong to the same Lord and share the same Spirit. Unity has its centre in Christ, and it holds wherever believers stand together on Him.
Now look at the qualities Paul says unity requires: “lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” Every one of those words assumes friction. You do not need longsuffering with people who never irritate you. You do not need to forbear someone who agrees with you on everything. Paul expected Christians to differ, to annoy each other, and sometimes to hurt each other. He did not ask them to pretend otherwise. He asked them to carry one another in love.
That word forbearing means to hold up, to bear with, to put up with. It is not a glamorous word. It describes the ordinary, patient work of staying in fellowship with people whose opinions, habits and personalities differ from yours. “The bond of peace” is what ties the fellowship together while the forbearing goes on.
Jesus prayed for this
On the night before His crucifixion, Jesus prayed for His disciples. Then He extended the prayer to include every believer who would come after them:
Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.
“That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee.” The pattern of Christian unity is the relationship between the Father and the Son. That is staggering. The Father and the Son are distinct Persons, yet perfectly one in love, will and purpose. Christian unity, likewise, does not erase the differences between believers. Asmau does not have to become Ebiye. Ebiye does not have to become Asmau. But they are meant to be bound together in a love that reflects the love within God Himself.
Notice too the purpose: “that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.” Jesus connected the unity of His people with the credibility of the gospel. When believers who differ in age, tribe, background and conviction still love one another, the world sees something it cannot explain. When believers devour each other over secondary matters, the world sees nothing it has not seen a thousand times.
In a country where tribe, region and religion so often divide people, a church where a Yoruba trader, an Ijaw nurse and a Hausa convert sit in the same sitting room and call each other family is a powerful witness. It is worth protecting.
Receiving the one who differs
The clearest teaching in the New Testament on handling differences among believers comes in Romans 14. The church in Rome included Jewish and Gentile believers, and they disagreed about food and special days. Some ate anything; others, perhaps worried about meat offered to idols or still observing Jewish food laws, ate only vegetables. Some kept certain days as holy; others treated every day alike. Paul writes:
Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations. For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him. Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand. One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike . Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it . He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.
“Him that is weak in the faith receive ye.” Paul uses the word weak for the believer with the stricter conscience. We should not hear that as an insult. He does not mean the person is less spiritual or less devoted. He means that their faith has not yet reached settled freedom on that particular question, so their conscience still forbids what Christ permits. Such a person may be far stronger than others in prayer, generosity and courage.
PunchlineAnd Paul’s instruction is “receive.” Welcome him. Take him in. “But not to doubtful disputations,” that is, do not welcome him in order to argue him out of his conviction.
Then comes a sentence that addresses both sides at once: “Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth.” Each side has its own typical temptation. The freer believer is tempted to despise, to look down on the stricter believer as narrow, old-fashioned or legalistic. The stricter believer is tempted to judge, to conclude that the freer one is worldly or compromised. Paul forbids both.
And look at the reason: “for God hath received him.” This settles a great deal. If God has received a person in Christ, I have no right to reject him over a matter God has left open. “Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth.”
Paul then makes a statement that takes both sides seriously: “Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.” He does not tell the strict believer to drop his convictions, or the free believer to adopt them. He asks each one to live before God with a settled conscience. “He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord.” Both are trying to honour the Lord. That is the charitable assumption Paul asks us to make about each other.
What kinds of matters belong here? Sincere believers will draw the lines in slightly different places, and that itself requires charity. But many of the differences that trouble Nigerian churches fit comfortably within Romans 14: styles of dress within the bounds of decency, whether to drink any alcohol at all, which foods to avoid, which days to fast or rest, styles of music and worship, whether to celebrate certain holidays, many questions about church order and practice. On such matters faithful Christians have reached different conclusions for centuries.
Each of us will give account
Paul then raises the conversation to a higher level:
But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
“Why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother?” Both questions again, one to each side. And then the reason: “we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.” Every believer will one day give account to the Lord. Not to me. Not to you. “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.”
This is deeply freeing. I am not responsible to make every believer think as I do. I am responsible for my own faithfulness before Christ, including how I treat my brother. On disputed matters, my brother’s conscience belongs to his Master.
Paul goes on in the rest of the chapter to give the freer believer a further responsibility. Liberty must be exercised with love. “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another” (Romans 14:19). If my freedom would pressure a brother into acting against his conscience, love should restrain me. The kingdom of God, Paul says, consists of “righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost” (Romans 14:17), and meat and drink are not its substance. Love is far closer to its heart.
Then, at the start of the next chapter, he sums it all up: “Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God” (Romans 15:7). The measure of our welcome is Christ’s welcome of us. He did not wait for us to agree with Him on everything before He received us.
NuggetOn matters God has left open, your brother’s conscience belongs to his Master. Receive him as Christ received you, and leave the final account to the Lord.
The mind that makes unity possible
All of this sounds reasonable on paper. In practice it requires a particular kind of heart. Paul describes it to the Philippians:
If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Paul grounds his appeal in what believers already share. “If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit.” The if here does not express doubt. It means “since.” Since you have received comfort in Christ, since you share the fellowship of the Spirit, live like it.
Then he describes the attitudes that create unity. “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory.” Strife is the spirit of competition, wanting to win. Vainglory is empty conceit, wanting to look good. Many church conflicts are fuelled more by these two than by any real point of principle. We dig in because we do not want to lose face.
“In lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Paul is describing a habit of treating the other person’s interests and dignity as more important than your own reputation. Nobody is being asked to pretend that everyone else is always right. Each of us is to look “also on the things of others” (Philippians 2:4). When you disagree with someone, ask what this matter means to them. What are they afraid of? What are they trying to protect?
Paul immediately points to the supreme example: “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5). The Son of God emptied Himself, took the form of a servant and went to the cross. If the Lord of glory could stoop that far for us, we can stoop far enough to receive a brother who keeps a different day or wears different clothes.
When two faithful people cannot agree
Near the end of the same letter, Paul names two women in the Philippian church who had fallen out:
I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord. And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which laboured with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellowlabourers, whose names are in the book of life.
This short passage is full of wisdom. First, notice that Paul does not dismiss either woman. They “laboured with me in the gospel.” Their names, he says, are “in the book of life.” Conflict did not cancel their service or their salvation. Two genuine, gifted, hardworking believers can still find themselves at odds.
Second, notice that Paul does not take sides in public. He beseeches both, using the same word for each. He asks them to be “of the same mind in the Lord.” He asks them to find their common ground in Christ and let that govern how they treat each other, even while some details remain unsettled.
Third, notice that Paul asks for help. “I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women.” Some conflicts need a third person, a mature believer trusted by both sides, who can help them listen to one another. There is no shame in that. Wise churches cultivate people who can play this role.
It helps, in any conflict, to identify what kind of difference you are dealing with. Is it a matter of personal preference, such as music or the time of a meeting? A matter of conscience, like the questions in Romans 14? A practical decision about church life that someone has to make? A matter of serious doctrine? Or an allegation of real wrongdoing? Each needs a different response. Preferences can be yielded. Matters of conscience can be respected. Practical decisions belong to those responsible for making them, and those who disagree can say so honestly and then cooperate graciously or, if they must, move on without bitterness. Serious doctrine and wrongdoing need the truthful response we must now consider.
When unity requires a truthful response
Unity in Christ never means indifference to truth. The same Paul who wrote Romans 14 also wrote this, at the end of the same letter:
Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.
“Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.” Some people damage the church by departing from the apostolic gospel. Paul describes them sharply: they serve “their own belly” (Romans 16:18), and they deceive “the hearts of the simple” with smooth words.
There is a real difference between the disagreements of Romans 14 and the errors of Romans 16. The first are matters on which Christ has left His people free. The second strike at the foundation: the person and work of Christ, salvation by grace through faith, the resurrection, the authority of Scripture. Paul could receive believers who disagreed about vegetables. But when the gospel itself was at stake, he wrote, “though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed” (Galatians 1:8). When Peter’s conduct in Antioch compromised the gospel’s welcome of Gentiles, Paul “withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed” (Galatians 2:11).
The same is true of serious wrongdoing. Unity is not a reason to tolerate abuse, fraud, sexual exploitation or cruelty. Paul told the Corinthians not to keep company with someone who called himself a brother while living in flagrant sin (1 Corinthians 5:11). Where someone is being harmed, the faithful response is truthful action: protecting the vulnerable, involving the proper authorities and qualified help, and addressing the wrong through a fair process. Calls for “unity” that are really calls for silence are not unity at all.
At the same time, notice the irony in Romans 16. The person who “causes divisions” is sometimes the one who insists that his own preferences are the gospel. A believer who breaks fellowship because others do not share his convictions about dress or days may himself be the divisive one. We need wisdom to distinguish between defending the faith and defending our habits.
The guiding principle is Paul’s phrase in Ephesians 4: “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Truth without love becomes harsh. Love without truth becomes weak. The church needs both.
Practising unity in ordinary church life
How does all this become practical on a Wednesday evening in a crowded sitting room?
Begin by assuming good faith. When a brother or sister holds a conviction you do not share, assume they are trying to honour the Lord, as Paul did in Romans 14:6. That assumption will change your tone before you say a word.
Speak to people directly, not about them. Most divisions grow in the space between private grievance and public complaint. A quiet conversation over a meal will do more good than a long voice note in a WhatsApp group.
PunchlineAsk questions before you make statements. “Can you help me understand why that matters to you?” is one of the most unifying sentences a Christian can learn.
Hold your own convictions humbly. You may be right. You may also be wrong, or right in a way that is less important than you think. Teach what you believe clearly where Scripture is clear, and hold more loosely what sincere believers have long disagreed about.
If you are a leader, be careful not to elevate your own preferences into doctrine. Make clear which matters your church considers essential and which it leaves to conscience. Protect the freedom of those who differ, and protect the conscience of those who are stricter.
And keep sitting at the same table. The early church broke bread together while it argued about circumcision, food and days. The table reminds us that we are one family before we are anything else.
Two weeks after that Wednesday, Ebiye took a bus across town to the estate where Asmau lived. She had spent two evenings praying, and the more she prayed, the more she kept coming back to the words “for God hath received him.” She knocked on the door of the flat. When Asmau opened it, Ebiye said simply, “My daughter, I spoke as if God had appointed me your judge. He did not. Please forgive me.”
They sat for two hours. Ebiye explained where her convictions came from and why they mattered to her. She did not abandon them. “I will still not wear trousers,” she said, laughing a little. “That is between me and the Lord.” Asmau told her about the night her father had told her to leave the house. Ebiye held her hands and prayed for her family by name.
Some months later, Ebiye’s elder brother died in Bayelsa, and several members of the fellowship travelled down for the burial. Asmau went with them. On the morning of the service, she came out of the guest room wearing a wrapper and blouse, with no earrings. Ebiye looked at her in surprise. “This is your village and your mother’s church,” Asmau said. “I did not want anyone there to stumble because of me.”
That is what unity looks like. Neither woman had changed her convictions. Each had learned to carry the other in love. They were of the same mind in the Lord, and the Lord was their centre.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- Which differences in your church are matters of conscience under Romans 14, and which, if any, are matters of serious doctrine or wrongdoing?
- Are you more tempted to “despise” those who are stricter than you, or to “judge” those who are freer? How does Romans 14:3-4 speak to that?
- Is there a believer from whom you have drifted because of a disagreement? What would it take to receive them as Christ has received you?
- When you disagree with someone, how often do you ask what the issue means to them?
- How can your church make clear which matters are essential and which are left to conscience?
This Week
Read Romans 14:1-15:7 slowly this week, in a single sitting if possible. Then think of one believer with whom you disagree on a secondary matter. Pray for them by name each day, giving thanks for one specific way they serve the Lord. Before the week ends, contact them simply to encourage them or to share a meal, leaving the disagreement aside for now. If there is a conflict that needs resolving, ask a mature believer whom you both trust to help you talk it through.
A Prayer
Lord Jesus, You prayed that Your people would be one, as You and the Father are one. Forgive me for the times I have despised those who are stricter than I am, or judged those who are freer. Thank You that You received me before I understood very much at all. Give me lowliness, meekness and longsuffering, and teach me to forbear my brothers and sisters in love. Help me to keep the unity Your Spirit has made, to speak the truth in love where truth is at stake, and to hold my own preferences humbly. Make our church a family that shows the world You were sent by the Father. In Your name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.